Please open this song and listen as a background to reading this.
Tonight I went to church for the first time in awhile. But it honestly felt like the first time in a year or so. I haven't trusted in God for about a year and a half. I didn't lose my belief persay, but didn't trust Him. You see I have been so hurt by those claiming to be for God. So hurt by life.
A year and a half ago I was attacked for my sexuality. My character was called into question, my faith, my purity, all was put on trail and the overwhelming concencious was that I was a prime example of perversion. (Please see my blog post from then titled "Take me to Church") After that my father passed away from his two year long battle with ALS. All of a sudden all those who spent the summer tearing me down were telling me they cared and giving me their sympathies for my dead father. You can't spend that much time breaking someone apart and then pretend to care. Soon after my pastor stepped down from ministry. I certainly don't hold it against him. He needed it. But I desperately leaded God and it seemed as if all my supports were gone. I couldn't turn to my pastor. I couldn't turn to my dad. And every voice from every Christian circle in my life told me that I was unworthy of God's love.
I've spent the past year and a half in that mess. Each week it was harder and harder to go to church. Every time I went I just felt heavier. Like I wasn't good enough. That God made me broken. That I wasn't following God enough because I need antipsychotics. There was no fellowship. There was no love. There was no connection. And I was starting to believe that maybe there was no God. The God that I had met just five years ago was loving and had the best for me. He was there with me. But that God was being shot down every time I tried to connect with people telling me that God didn't work that way and that I had to be good enough. I don't know where that God went but at this point I don't think I trust Him.
The God I knew would be with me and it seemed like God just up and left. My dad died. I was gay. I had no spiritual support. How could I trust God with my life? Last time I trusted Him I was attacked from all sides by men claiming to be "Of Christ". My father, a man who loved God passionately, suffocated to death after having all life and dignity stripped away. Where was the God who cared and would fight for me? Where was God? And just as important, where was His body?
It wasn't until January 1st 2017 that I even allowed myself to believe God might be actually as real as He says He is. I had to go to a worship night with my family because my brother was playing. And something just felt different. Like maybe this place believed in the God I know. So I decided that I couldn't keep not going to church or dreading the times I had to go. Something had to give. So I figured I would try this new church out.
That leads me to tonight. I went to Freedom Church. It was nothing special but they played this song in worship and it really stuck with me.
"I need you to soften my heart
and break me apart.
I need you to open my eyes
to see that you're shaping my life."
It wasn't about having the answers or the faith to be a good Christian. It was just admitting that I have no f-ing clue what you are doing God. My heart is hard. But I don't want it to be that way. Show me what you are doing. Another part goes
"Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and you're love is great"
It's not about having the faith but honestly asking for the faith. This is a song I can truly sing with the meaning. I don't have the faith. At this point I have the salvation but have lost the faith. The speaker tonight spoke a lot about the freedom of Christ. It has been so long since I have seen any freedom in Christ. I had it and then it was kicked to the curb by the religious leaders in my life.
So now we are at a crossroads. It is a new year. It doesn't look promising but I'm willing to try. So as I enter 2017 this is my prayer.
God,
Please soften the hardness in my heart. I have shut myself off and ask you to break through that wall. Show me the bigger picture. Show me that you never left and that this will work together for your glory. Give me the faith to trust what you say. Help me to trust that you are good and your love is great. Give me the faith to try again. I know you have never left, now help me to believe it. Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
Amen
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