God?

I am up in the air about God. I keep hearing so many things all backed up by the bible which supposedly never contradicts itself. Some say that God would hate Trump, some say that Trump is bringing God back to the white house. I'm honestly just confused AF. There is a little tennis ball going back and forth in my head and I just had to grab it out of the air and yell STOP! I don't know how God is real. Not if, but how. Who the hell this God is supposed to be. Every time I have looked and researched I have been told that "that's not biblical" or "the world has your mind" by one side or the other. There is no winning. Every church has a separate mumbo jumbo and is always talking about getting closer and reaching more people. I'm done with the fucking race.

That being said, God and I are not quite on speaking terms. Does that make me a bad person? Probably. Does it make me not qualified to speak to your kids? Probably. And the church and I are even worse off. I can't take much more of this bullshit.

But today I heard God a little bit. I may not be ready for talking yet, (which to save you some time, I know makes me a selfish bitch who is "abusing grace".) but that didn't stop a message from coming through.

I let my students request songs to be played while they are working. Today one of my girls asked for me to play "Holy Spirit" by Kim Walker. I was surprised but of course played the song. It was weird seeing a student of mine singing to God. They have been through as much shit as me, but because she is told that God is good, she believes it. Another one of my students requested Oceans after that. My students were singing and I was just so conflicted. These kids have such faith to just trust. But they have no clue who God is, not that I do either. All they know is that they are Christian and that God loves them. When is this world going to fuck that up for them?

That being said, I am still just chilling here, knowing that this will get me disowned and I think that's kind of the point. Either God is who he says he is or he isn't. And I guess that's up to the body to show me who that really is.