I'm Not Strong

Over the past year I have become acustomed to hearing the phrase, "You are so strong", "keep holding your head up", or even "I could never be as strong as you if I were going through that". I know sometimes it is meant as an inspiration and sometimes as a comfort but the truth is: I am not strong.

I have been through so much this year.  My father is dying and losing new abilities each day. I lost my job. I lost the respect of several religious leaders for sharing my temptations. It has been hard, no lies, but so has each of your lives. We all have our hard times. And for me it is a daily struggle to accept that I can't keep going and that I am completely and totally broken.

Where is the strength in that? Where is the inspiration?  Where is the comfort? It isn't in me. I am broken and can't keep moving. But there is a verse that has been keeping me going. It is 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

I am broken. My flesh weeps almost daily and I am constantly tempted to shut down and simply not feel anything at all. But I must except my weakness and not try to be strong for Christ's power to show its perfection. It is only when I am weak that I can approach the savior and sit with Him. I don't pray for strength or for peace even, I just sit with Him and share my heart. Sometimes I cry, other times I scream, and sometimes I just crawl to Him completely numb. But when I approach the savior, something amazing happens.

He loves me. He holds me. He lets me feel. He doesn't tell me to man up or to be strong but He shows me His blessings.  This year I have grown closer with my family than we have ever been. We have been through hell and back together and there is a bond nothing can break. True friends have risen up and cared for me in ways I never thought a friend would do. People have supported all of our needs financially, when a bill was short we would always get a random check or donation to cover it. While some religious leaders shamed me, others stepped up and defended me in a way that I can only describe as the arms of a father. God has shown me that even though I lose a little bit more of my father every day, that He is my true father and when I need that tangible presence or defense or knowledge that He will provide other parts of the body to fill that gap. This doesn't make this year easier or less painful,  but it does mean that God has never left.

So my message today is don't be afraid to be weak. God has an upside down kingdom where the last are first. Christ has the strength to get us through. We just have to be weak enough to go to Him.