I feel silly writing this now as so much is going on in my personal life. This is not what I would expect to write about less than two weeks after my father died. But with school starting back up I find myself reflecting on my time in college (even though that season of my life is over) and praying for the students on campus at UVU. While this year I am not able to help with new student outreaches I kept thinking about why InterVarsity was worth it. Why did I spend almost as much time in this student ministry as I did on my school work? And now, as I have entered a new time in my life can I not stop praying for them?
Every year at the beginning of school we did an outreach booth called a proxi. When people would ask me what InterVarsity was I would say it was a group of students coming together to discover who God is for ourselves. This is a very true statement. However every week I went for different reasons. I loved that I was able to plan something important and be recognized. As a bible study leader I meant something and was part of an inner club. Some days I went for that. Other times I went because I loved the bible studies. I love digging into the word and putting myself in their shoes. Other days I went to see my friends. My best friends were all from InterVarsity. Without it we had little in common but God brought us together. What I loved most about InterVarsity was my friends. However when I graduated all I could think was, where does this leave me now?
Now, I am in a whole different place. I am no longer a college student. I attend a different church. But mostly my life has been turned upside down with the death of my father. My friends were still there and are still there, but we are in different places. So now I wonder, what did InterVarsity teach me? The answer that I came up with surprised me. It wasn't some amazing fact or doctrine. It wasn't a way to do ministry. It wasn't even how to do community and be in fellowship with other believers (all though that is super important and basically my buzzword all of last year). I learned what it really means to walk with Christ.
I have had a relationship with Christ for quite some time but it continually moves and grows. I wish I could put this eloquently but all I can come up with is Christ. The church isn't God, but God is the reason for the church. If Jesus is not moving and flowing through that group of people, there is no reason for the church. Ministry isn't God, but God is the reason for ministry. If you are not bursting at the seams with the power and love of the savior there is no point to ministry. If God is not in it then why do it? Community is not God, but God is the true meaning of community. It isn't about the friendships or how many times you go out to Dennys. It is about being whole and inviting God into every step.
This doesn't mean being perfect. In fact it often means the opposite. Often walking with Christ means being vulnerable and broken. It means knowing that people will hurt you and you won't fit in. It means letting God hold your tears no matter why they fall. It doesn't mean not feeling a certain way or acting a certain way. It means that wherever you are, God is with you. That means in the moments you are praising Him, in the moments of loss, in the anger and pain, and when your pride tries to take over. God is there and in those times.
A week before my father died he was having a really hard night. While I really didn't want to, I felt led to read him a scripture. I pulled out my bible and sat by his side as he struggled for breath and read Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepard, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures
He leads me beside still waters
He restores my soul
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil
For you are with me
Your rod and your staff they comfort me
You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies
You anoint my head with oil and call me blessed
Surley goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
I had heard that psalm a thousand times but it was never more real to me as it was in that moment. This is what it looks like to walk with Christ. He knows me better than I know myself. He cares for me and gives me rest. No matter where I walk or what I endure, I am secure in the arms of Christ. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
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