Knowing God

Flashback to July 2011. I was a complete mess. I couldn't function anymore. I was cutting myself deeper and deeper every day and had tried to kill myself three times already that year. I could barely hold a conversation with someone without breaking into tears. So with no place to turn I turned to Mercy Ministries, a christian residential treatment center. I graduated seven months later in January of 2012 with a new outlook on life and closer to Jesus than I had ever been. I no longer cut, or thought about ending my life. I was restored, transformed, and set free. And Jesus did that.

One of my favorite verses I found when I left Mercy Ministries was John 10:10 which says, "For the thief comes to steal, and kill, and destroy, but I have come to give you life, and life to the fullest." And I had life to the fullest. I had always known I had eternal life, but now I was living my life abundantly. I couldn't stop sharing my story with others! How God had SET ME FREE! Nothing could contain the joy inside me. Jesus changed everything and had truly made my life awesome.

But a lot has changed over the past two (almost three) years. What happens when life goes wrong? What happens when life goes so far downhill you can hardly see the other side? Well I praised God. I know that God always loves me more than I could imagine. But then what happens when you fall again? When you have no strength to even cry out and simply slip into old coping mechanisms? What happens when you fail?

A lot of good has happened in the past two years. But looking to start leading a bible study/small group this week I was asked the question "How has God made your life awesome?" and all I could think was "God, where is the awesome life you've promised? Where is the strength to face tomorrow?" and I just came up blank. I know the joy that I have found in Jesus but it seems to all be gone in this moment. So what am I supposed to say to these people who are looking at me for guidance and for answers about Jesus. It was honestly overwhelming. I know that God gives life and joy but it seems I have misplaced mine. And that scared me. And in that fear all of the things I had given up came back to haunt me. I just wanted a hug but in that moment I felt as if I didn't deserve it. Everyone was counting on me to be strong, when I just couldn't. So I turned inwards and broke two years of freedom back into the bondage of sin.

What I didn't realize then was that I was only driving myself further inwards. That now not only was I afraid of failing those counting on me, of leading people away from God instead of towards them, but I was utterly convinced that I had failed all of my friends, everyone who had every heard my story and called it an inspiration, myself, and God. I had handed over everything I knew about love for a glimpse of release and control. I had been given freedom and had ruined all of it. Like I had my one mess up and now it was all over. And I'm still left here asking the question, "How has God made your life awesome?"

Well the answer isn't what I thought it would be. It's not giving me forever joy, because honestly, sometimes I lose that. It's not giving me a family I can count on, because honestly people fail, and even when they don't fail, they die. It's not freedom from depression or self harm, because I honestly don't know if I will ever fully be free from those things in my life. They will always be waiting for me to fall. It's not even freedom from Hell because while yes He has given me that, obviously the idea of a mutilated body is not one that bothers me. But what it is is by giving me a relationship.

Knowing God hasn't made my dad stop dying. Knowing God hasn't made me never depressed or never want to hurt myself. Knowing God hasn't made the colors brighter or the songs sweeter. But knowing God has given me a relationship. It has given me the ability to know what love is in the face of adversity. It has given me access to a father who will never fail, never die, and never give up. It has given me acceptance and the knowledge that no matter what I do, it doesn't change the plans that He has for me. It has shown me that there is nothing I can do to make Him stop loving me. It has given me access to the one who does have the strength to face tomorrow.

I am broken. And as long as I am on this earth I will be broken. I will slip up. I will forget. And the life around me will break and die. Honestly, while knowing God is the best thing that has ever happened to me it hasn't stopped me from being raped, abused, living in poverty, depressed, watching my best friends' mother die, or watching my dad be paralyzed in his own body waiting for death. Life isn't going to magically get better. But what knowing God does bring is living life deeper. You feel joy so much deeper than you ever had before. You feel sadness intently, but also with such hope you can't control yourself. You struggle hard, but with more support and love than you have ever hoped of knowing.

That is what Knowing God looks like. Ultimate love. Ultimate acceptance. Ultimate hope.