A Prayer for Weakness

Lately my life has been a train wreck. It's like everything from a few years ago is happening again, but on a bigger scale. For those of you who don't know, here is a snapshot of my life the year after high school. I was working part time, going to school full time, super involved in the campus ministry, and my boyfriend's mother was slowly being paralyzed due to terminal cancer. This stress was a catalyst for me to cling in desperation to perfection and turn to self-harm as a way to try and control things. If I could just let out a little burst of anxiety here and there I would be better, but that is not how it worked out. Within a few months I had landed myself in a treatment center after a suicide attempt. Thankfully God used that time in my life to bring me peace and teach me so much about Himself. It was truly a blessing in disguise. But lately it seems like deja vu.

I'm back to working part time, going to school full time, super involved in campus ministry, but this time my father is slowly being paralyzed due to terminal ALS. So what have I tried to do? I've tried to hold it all together. I've tried to grasp some semblance of normalcy. To be more involved, to be distracted, to not fall. But when that "perfection", that mask of smiles begins to crack where do I turn in default, back to self-harm. It isn't a pretty way to live life, or a successful one. It's a scratch at the surface of a nasty addiction that leads no where good. So as I was sitting there tonight, finding myself in temptation I asked the Lord for strength. But the answer I received was so very different from that.

(I view my prayers as conversations with God so that is how I am writing this next part)

"Torri, the last thing you need is strength right now." 



What??? God how could I possibly not need strength right now? Do you see where I am headed?

"It's your strength that got you into this."

How? I obviously can't handle this.

"Then why are you trying to handle it. I have given you all you need. But you still choose to try and be stronger. Trying to be strong cannot make you truly strong"

What do you mean?

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."


So.... I am pretty dense. Basically what God slammed in my face was that the only strength I can have is the power of God. And that can only come one way, through weakness. God did not come to heal the healthy but the sick. And unless you are willing to be weak, you cannot be strong. So I was sitting there, dumbfounded by how I could have missed that, and God spoke to me.

"Torri, I know you don't like weakness. You want to be strong. But that is not who I created you to be. In order to be the true warrior that you want to be you have to learn to be weak. Are you willing to be weak with me?"

And right now the only answer I have is help me to say yes God. I am a stubborn, bull headed, strong woman who would rather fight than cry. But I know that isn't strength. I know that strength is found in vulnerability and that is such an important part of a relationship. So God I come now and ask for weakness. Not strength. I ask for brokenness to sink into my soul. I ask for the courage to be weak.