This is where the real story begins. I knew I was free, but what did that look like from day to day? Without weekly counseling meetings how would I stay connected? Without sermons twice daily and worship time, how would I keep going? I had set up an action plan at Mercy Ministries for the first six months I was out but it all seemed so different.
Within six months of graduated things were so different. All my plans had fallen through. I didn't get along great with my accountability partner, I had quit my job due to panic attacks, and moved back in with my parents. I didn't even know where I could go to church because everywhere I went I felt that people only saw me as who I was before, not who God had remade me to be. All that dreaming for my future was gone. Everything I thought I could be or would do was gone. I was convinced that God had saved me for some magnificent purpose but now I could see nothing and with the panic attacks still occurring and my mental illness still being there, I began to doubt if God had even healed me at all.
Since then a lot of things have happened in my life, both good and bad. I've had four different jobs and only had to leave one of them for mental illness reasons. I have volunteered every summer cooking for 100 people for three weeks for a christian camp. I graduated college with a Bachelor's of Science degree. I searched hard for God and I found Him everywhere I looked. I got my mental illness under control with the help of an amazing psychiatrist. There is also the bad things that happened. I lost three different jobs. I wrestled with my sexuality. I was disciplined for my sexuality. I was unable to find a job in my field after graduation. I doubted God deeply. I fell back into old behavior patterns. Worst of all, my father (whom I loved) passed away in August of 2015 after a long battle with ALS.
So what's the difference? There were good and bad before I went to Mercy and there are good and bad now. How can I look life in the face and declare freedom when I am so obviously surrounded by bondage? How can I boldly say that Satan has been defeated in my life when I look at my family with a hole torn into us so intensely that we are often hardly surviving? What is living in freedom?
"Hallelujah, we are free to struggle. We're not struggling to be free." ~ Tenth Avenue North
That is where the freedom lies. Not in how we act, not in what we do, but in who we are.
No matter where we are or what we do, we are free in the struggle. We are free to bring it to God. We are not struggling to be free but we are free while we are struggling. It is standing up to every day and saying that God is in control and that He loves you. It is speaking His truth into your life. To put it simply, the difference is a living breathing relationship with Christ.
In the new testament the Holy Spirit is often referred to as the mighty counselor. Not only do I have God with me daily as a loving father but I have the best counselor worth so much more than gold in the Holy Spirit. I have everything I could ever need. When the good times come I praise Him, and when the bad times come He weeps with me. But how does this happen? How can you get here? How do you get here? But more importantly, how do you stay in this place?
Now that I realize this blog is all over the place with no concise opinion I hope to sum up the whole thing with some practical steps to freedom. Things that I have found have helped me in my journey. This is a part of my daily struggle. There will always be struggle. But I am no longer struggling to be free.
1. Drop the expectations
When I came to this new chapter in my life I had so many expectations. God owned the cattle on a thousand hills so certainly he could give me a job, a degree, a family, and my own ministry with no problems, right? While it is true that God has those things and can give me whatever He wills I found out quickly that this was not his will for me in the short term. Ephesians 3:20 says " Now to Him, who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine," We cant begin to understand what God has for us or the blessings He may have for us in the mundane. Dream, dream big and follow God. But let God guide those dreams and trust God for those dreams to be fulfilled in His own way and time.
2. Carry everything to God
"Oh what peace we often forfeit. Oh what needless pain we bear all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer." ~ Joseph Scriven. These lines are so powerful. God has torn the veil and given us complete and total access to his throne room. We can approach God boldly and yet we often hold back. There was something amazing and powerful I learned at Mercy, and that is that God wants to hear EVERYTHING! Yes, EVERYTHING! That means if you are happy, tell God, if you are sad, tell God, if you are angry, tell God. There have been few times in my life when I have been angry with God. I mean absolutely livid. But my counselor challenged me to bring it to God. The next hour I spent angrily screaming at God via my pen and paper. I called Him every name in the book and cussed Him out. I told Him every way He messed up and how I hated Him. But that didn't turn God away. It was after that hour when I was tired of fighting that in my brokeness, sobbing in anger on the floor, that God came in. He embraced me. He said "Shh.... quiet child." and held me close. Soon He whispered to me gently "I love you." He didn't demand anything of me or wait for an apology. He simply loved. He reached out to me. Ever since then I have learned that there is nothing I should keep from God.
3. Step outside your comfort zone
The biggest thing that keeps me from a thriving relationship with God is... myself. It's the sacrifices in the little things. I've never been one for daily routine. I don't have a scheduled quiet time because for me it's just too legalistic. But I do actively make time to be challenged by God. Each day I look for a way to step outside my comfort zone. Even if it's something small. Some days it is talking with a co-worker, some days leading a prayer walk, and other days its something as simple as holding my tongue in an argument.
I am by no means perfect nor do I have an exceptional relationship with God. But I do know what it looks like to walk in freedom. No matter what problems come I know who is in control. I go to Him for everything and will continue to seek Him no matter where life takes me. This song truly sums up what my view of God is, no matter the highs or the lows, I will trust in God.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv-SXz_exKE
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